What not to do in Teen Titans fanfiction
by Meiriona
Summary: Cough syrup and Mei. Slade holding a gun to my head. Slade is dead sexy. Make the torment stop. Madness.
1. Chapter 1

What not to do in Teen Titans fan-fiction.

* * *

"Hi, I'm Crow, I'm Raven's long lost brother. Now I'm going to set her up with Beast Boy because I know from reading their minds and diaries that they are madly in love with each other. No matter that Raven's emotions might blow things up, true love will nullify that!" 

Raven twitches. "I have hundreds of half siblings, all of whom died before birth. I'm Trigon's only living child. You are one giant lie. Be gone!" and the Gary Stu vanished in a puff of logic.

* * *

"Like, hey, I'm Missand'r, from Tameran. I'm not related to Starfire or Backfire, but I still have the star bolt powers they do." 

"The and'r name is a royal line, you cannot have that name. Also, the star bolts are not a natural Tameranean trait, but one torture brought out. You are not real." Another puff of logic.

* * *

"I'm Robin and I'm very sad about my past and my parents and mean old Bruce and you should all pity me and love me! LOVE ME! So I can ignore you and obsess over Slade!" 

"Actually, Dick is a very together individual who dislikes any form of pity, preferring to feel stronger." Bruce interjects, with a bit of the Bat-glare. "His dedication sometimes overpowers him, but he knows when to stop. His lack of experience with relationships is why he is so awkward in those types of situations. And what's this about mean old Bruce?"

Robin immediately recalls he's not an emo prat and tries to get out of the room before Bruce can get on his case about the speeding fines he still hasn't paid from back when he got his first motorcycle.

* * *

"Yo yo yo, I'm Cy-borg the pimpmaster. That's the only way I can get any attention, so I play all the gals I can in the hopes when they do something cool I can get remembered." 

Bumblebee sighs into her hands. "Cy isn't a player, he's just not in a serious relationship and a bit of a flirt. He can get attention just by being himself, but he doesn't crave it, because he would rather stay in the background."

Cyborg blinks and is promptly hit by a glob of tofu, and goes off to beat on Beast Boy.

* * *

Terra, ignoring anything like 'Things Change', shows up on a flying rock. "I'm Terra and I want nothing more than to rip out Beast Boy's heart and stomp on it, tearing him away from his one true love Raven, who will then commit suicide because I who-red myself out to Slade then told Beast Boy it was his kid so he'd marry me." 

"I thought you had amnesia, and were really just a confused girl with powers that resisted understanding." Jinx says, then chucks a brick at Cyborg as Terra reverts to Tara Markov.

"THAT'S FOR BREAKING MY HEART YOU BASTARD!"

Speedy and Aqualad then deny any homosexual experiences, while Raven tries to contain a screaming ranting Babs who showed up out of nowhere to kill Starfire.

* * *

What not to do in Teen Titans fan-fiction is experiencing technical difficulties. I advise all of you to go get some aspirin while Gizmo re-hacks into the tower security system so we can watch some more.

* * *

"And then, and then, he SODOMIZED me." 

"There, there Robin, it's all right. We feel your pain."

"Hi, my name is Terra, and I'm a former Slade's apprentice."

"Hi Terra."

* * *

"Kill my sister, Kill my sister kill my sister…." 

"Blackfire? Komand'r? It's Jinx. Now, put the gun down sweetie, let's talk this out."

"LITTLE SISTER Crowned princess, heir to throne. Should have been me. Me. Me. Kill my sister…"

"Koma, let Starfire go honey, this is violation of your parole."

"Please Sister, I am sorry I was given what should have been yours."

"Oh- sob- Kori! I-I just. –sniffle- love you sister! Thank you! –sob- So kind –hug-"

* * *

"So, Joey, your dad is my dad's bitch, you know that?" 

"…"

"I said you KNOW THAT?"

"…"

"Good, that means you're my bitch now, I'm gonna use my powers and tie you up and have my way with you."

"…_kinky…"_

* * *

"Ok now, Robin, Speedy, we're only going to ask one more time, take off the masks." 

"NEVER!"

"Wally, it's time for the intervention,"

"Righto boss lady. You and Garth hold em!"

"Let me go!"

"Not the mask! It's my security blanket! I use it to hide all my feelings!"

"Got em!" Richard clutches at his face, hiding his eyes and sobbing. Roy breaks free and begins beating on Karen.

"Die Die die motherbitch! You suck as a leader bug girl. You suck. You suck. –whimpers- my mask, please?"

* * *

"One two three four I declare a thumb war. HEY! What are you doing in here! This is for honorary titans only! Wildebeest, get them." 

"Now Pantha, where were we?"

"You had your hand right here and…"

* * *

"I'm telling you, the boy VIBRATES his MOLUCULES." 

"What a lucky girl you are, Jinx."

"That I am. Oh, I like your socks Argent."

"Yeah, well, YOURS SUCK!"

"BITCH!"

"Who-re!"

* * *

"Gah! I blew up the toaster kissing you! It sent shrapnel all over the place!" 

"…_kinky…"_

* * *

"Wha-what happened, last I remember Jinx was here and she said something about…." 

"HA! She chucked a brick at you!"

"Whatever happened to just throwing a drink in a guys face?"

"Ha-ha-ha-hahahaha!"

"Shut up salad head!"

"Nuh-uh! You got BURNED!"

"Quiet GARFIELD."

"Aww man…"

* * *

A gun is pressed to the authors head. "Slade is dead sexy? Why in the world would I say that? GAH! Ok ok ok, just don't shoot!"

* * *

"Hey Giz, we're out of, HEY! Is that the Titans? Daaaamn. What is up with that? Oh, pie." 

"Shut up you numb nut slug cruncher booger eater fudge puppy!"

* * *

"That's it, SPEEDY AND AQUALAD NO MORE SEX IN THE KITCHEN!" 

"Not FAIR Robin, how come you and Starfire get to?"

"Because we're CANNON and you're only fanon to yaoi fan-girls."

"Screw you!"

"Sorry, don't swing that way."

* * *

"Where's Raven?" 

"Raven-Raven-Raven, want RAVEN NOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!"

"Shut up already, she's having wild sex with Joey in her room, now let me get back to my plotting to take over Tameran."

"Mean lady."

* * *

"Of course I didn't only change sides because it would save my own skin, there's also the fringe benefits like my eternal sex-slave"

* * *

"I have good news and bad news." 

"What's the bad news?"

"We've been canceled."

"What's the good news?"

"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko!"

Fin.


	2. What not to do in Titans Fanfiction TWO

What not to do in Titan's fan fiction, TWO!

This is Mei not on cough syrup... and... I think I got away from Slade this time...

* * *

We open on a scene that might be called frightening. Two butlers sit at a table, sipping tea. Behind them loom their dark and foreboding masters. This is what Dick Grayson sees and hears.  
"Well, his speeding fines are a disgrace. I suppose he still gets them over in your neck of the woods?"  
"Not so, although there were some spectacular crashes. What about that sword he made, who did he think he was kidding?"  
"The boy is still the show off he was when I began to teach him. Too flashy."  
"And that temper, I take it he learned that from you as well?"  
"Careful, Terminator, careful."  
"Of course. This is about the little bird."  
"I hear you've had him scampering around lately, what was that about?"  
"Just a little game Batman, nothing serious. I just thought to keep him and his girlfriend from getting too comfortable."  
"His girlfriend?"  
"Oh, didn't you know? He's dating that charming alien girl."  
Dick slowly begins to back away in horror, this can't be real!  
"_Oh my god… I'm dead!" _The realization that this must be hell hits the boy wonder hard.  
"_No, no, no, I don't want to be dead! Things were just starting to work out; Starfire and I were just…"_ His thoughts moved from himself to the girl in question. _"Oh my god, Starfire. What happened to us?"  
_"You are not dead, Robin, but if you do not run, you soon will be…"  
"AHHHHHHH!!"

* * *

"So wait, you're saying that if you an' I teamed up, found a few like minded ne'er do wells, and pooled our information, we could oust Deathstroke as the top baddies in town?"  
"That's exactly what I'm saying, Jinx."  
"But…" Her bottom lip quivers slightly. "Then I'd have to give up my eternal sex slave."  
Blackfire sighed. Yes, that would be a problem. Well, that was what she had been trying to do in the first place. It wasn't FAIR that Jinx got all that great lovin' while a princess of Tameran got nothing!

* * *

"Starfire?"  
"Yes Raven?"  
"What are you doing?"  
"I am watching a 'documentary' on the reproductive systems of humans and animals when combined in mating rituals."  
"You're watching bestiality porn…?"  
"Would you care to join me?"  
"Why not…."

* * *

"So. Why the hell are you green?"  
"I TOLD you already, the experimental cure to the-"  
"Not like that, dumb ass, why GREEN?"  
"How should I know?"  
"Well it is your body."  
"Yeah, well, why don't you have a DICK?"  
"Oh, that is LOW, Garfield. Vic's gonna kill you!"  
"You got that right gill head. Now don't let him run away!"

* * *

"Hello? Anyone? It's Kole!"  
….  
"You know? The sacrificial lamb?"  
….  
"This bites."

* * *

"Now think carefully Speedy, if you had to choose which of us was your best friend, who would it be?"  
"Robin. NO! Kid Flash! NO ROBIN! I mean, Kid Flash, I mean…." Speedy looked pleadingly to Bumblebee, who just chuckled and shook her head.  
"You got yourself into it, Harper. You get yourself out."  
"Is someone threatening my Roy-toy?"  
"GARTH!"  
"Roy-toy?" Kid Flash sputtered through raucous laughter.  
Speedy flushed crimson. "I told you that name stays in the bedroom…"  
"I don't seem to recall it ever being used in the bedroom. In the training room, in the janitors closet…"  
"GARTH! CUT IT OUT!!"

* * *

"Here's our mission so ya better listen." Dual voices chorus from the shadows.  
"To infect the world with devastation;" A wall crumbles from a powerful blast.  
"To plight all peoples in every nation," A rose withers at a single glance.  
"To denounce the goodness of 'truth' and 'love'," A snide and dismissive voice continues.  
"To extend our wrath to the stars above,"  
"Blackfire!" The spotlight highlights the Tameranean, arms crossed and leaning slightly.  
"Jinx." A second light shows the hex witch, back to back with Blackfire and smirking.  
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"  
"Surrender now for you will surely lose the fight."

And they were promptly attacked by a fleet of lawyers from TV Tokyo.

* * *

Finally, someone has realized that Red Star was created for the cold war, and was not a teen when he was modified, much less is he now. In fact, he could be most of the Titan's father in age. Accepting Raven, of course.

"ADULT! GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!!"

* * *

"I want a wii! I want a wii! I want a wii!"

"BEAST BOY SHUT UP! ENOUGH VIDEO GAMES!"

"I wanna wii though!"

"The bathroom is that way, Beast Boy" said Raven, pointing with a smirk.


End file.
